oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
