there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
