Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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