Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
