I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
