My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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