I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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