Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
