i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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