I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
