I wish I could punch you in the face.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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