just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
