Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
