Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
