I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
