i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
