i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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