My cat gives me a boner
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize