I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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