Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love having hate sex.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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