Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
