I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
