I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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