You're so nebulous sometimes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
