I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
