Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
