Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize