Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
