you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
