Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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