new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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