Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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