she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
