Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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