my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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