So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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