I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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