she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
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My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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