I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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