He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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