well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
