I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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