so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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