exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
