a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
