and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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