hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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