Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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