Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
