somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
