I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
