Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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