Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want a musical about memes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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