Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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