shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
