Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
