dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
